I had to sit with myself today and really think about this. I usually pride myself on being focused and learning from my mistakes or just learning from daily circumstances that visit all our lives. I will admit that this question, although I know the answer has me scared to answer it because I know I have to be honest with myself. So.
What is a lesson I seem to be learning time and time again?
The lesson I seem to be re-learning often is to trust. I will admit it is hard, very hard for me to let go and trust. I find that for some of us, when we have suffered much trauma or drama whichever it may be that trust is the last thing we are willing to give. It’s quite difficult when you have fully trusted and been disappointed time and time again to voluntarily give the benefit of the doubt. Still I have learned that there are some worth taking a chance on. There are some people out there not looking to deliberately hurt me.
Yes, you’ve been hurt.
Yes, you’ve been lied to.
We have all been through and under it but isn’t it better to keep trying? Isn’t it better to open your heart and perhaps trust someone new. I’m by no means saying hey! let’s all be gullible, just to be a little more open than you were yesterday. I am a work in progress and I can’t say that I don’t have a long way to go cause I do. I am here though.
I have never been able to stay friends with an ex. I just never have seen the need or reason to. Some people are great at staying friends with people they’ve slept with and broken ties with at least the physical ones. I am not one of those people. I have never felt the need to continue a relationship with a man who has not worked out for me. After all there was a reason it didn’t work out.
To me, you’re an ex for a reason. I am not saying you’re a bad person because if you were completely bad we would have never had any kind of connection however for me, if we’re done we’re done. I wish you well but I also wish you to move on. There is no need to keep conversing with you about our past, what went wrong or what could have been. I have no need to be in your life or hear about your current possibilities with the new woman you’re with, but that’s just me. That is why I don’t understand these men or women who can’t seem to let go.
I see these people directly or indirectly following their ex’s on Facebook or twitter like prepubescent 12 year olds to find out what the ex is doing and who they’re doing it with. I see them altering their hashtags or statuses with hidden barbs toward the ex or even worst the new person in their life as if that new person had anything to do with the failure of their relationship. High school revisited.
I wonder if these ex’s ever stop to think that the new person has no idea nor cares about what happened with them? This new person is busy trying to make their own relationship work so let it go. I have never been one to harp on an ex, not even an ex husband much less an ex boyfriend. And I certainly am not going to blame the person they moved on with. What the hell do I have to do with them.
Still, I understand the feelings involved because I’ve been hurt and I am a woman. There are things that are hard to get over but I won’t be blaming anyone but the person I had the relationship with. I suggest making the right calculations before you call the other woman or man names or blame them for your failures. Place your anger and disdain where and on who it belongs or better yet cease and desist, move on and let it go. Grow up and move on.Nuff said.
It is so true that the people who come into our lives can change us. They can alter us in ways we don’t even see until they have been gone too long for us to remember.
Those who have loved us fitfully can alter us to be better lovers just as those who have hurt us can transform us into bitter souls who only remember pain. I wonder is it really up to us to allow someone to change us or do circumstances ingrained into our psyche transform us whether we like it or not?
I, as many of us have gone through a lot in my life. I have been hurt and disappointed by friends, family or lovers many times over and I would be lying if I did not acknowledge that those situations have altered me and the way I commune with people. I know they have.
I know that I am quick to put up a wall, to look into things where there might be nothing or to over think a situation until it resembles nothing near the facts.
I know that I am quick to react and cut people off if I even slightly smell an odor of untruth about them and boy am I good at it too!
I know that I can be quick to judge a person who’s hurt me in the past and even quicker at not trusting them again.
Still, I am also quick to love and despite my own instincts I am quick to trust until I am given a reason not to. I am quick to listen. I learn.
The most interesting thing for me is that I know what has changed me and actively work on the negative aspects of it. I often stand on the sidelines of myself and reflect on my reactions to what affects me and I try. I can’t say I catch them all even when I’m aware but I can say I try. I try to not allow other people’s actions to change who i am at my most basic.I try not to allow my previous experiences to stain my present or future negatively.
I try to stay true to me and to you. That’s a beginning.
I was sitting in the living room with my very intelligent daughter when she asked me this brilliant question. Sometimes I look at her and I’m so proud of the young lady she’s becoming and also proud that I’ve had something to do with it.
After the initial shock off the question I decided to give it some serious thought. Would I want to know how my whole life is to be played out right there in black and white? Facts on paper. Life and death and how?
My answer I would have to say is no.
I would not want to read about my whole life on paper before I have had a chance to live it. I would not want to know when i would be getting sick or how or when I would draw my last breath. I also would not want to know when or if I would lose a loved one. If dialysis has taught me anything it’s to love and live in the now. Nothing is guaranteed. No day is promised.
Can you imagine the kind of stress you would be under just knowing and waiting for the tragedies that might befall you? I mean I’m certain there would be enormous joys as well in your life but isn’t the greatest joy in the surprise of it all? What is the sense of living if you know everything coming your way? Still, it’s quite a poignant question so…
I ask you, would you read your story to the last page? Riddle me that.
Have you ever sat down and really thought about what brings you peace?
Have you ever contemplated in silence perhaps what really gives you that sense of total serenity and what you are willing to do to find and keep it?
I am sitting here thinking about just that and decided why not write about it. It’s funny but when I thought about serenity and peace, money was not the first thing to come to me. I didn’t think boy if I was rich I’d have peace. The first thing I actually thought of was an island paradise and silence.
Not the type with a huge hotel or luxurious amenities but a small island with clear blue water and simple palm trees with a hammock in between. A little cottage not far behind with a room full of books, the one I love, a warm fireplace in a cozy living room, dressed in pastel colors. That’s what sounds like serenity to me. There are no delusions of grand living in my dreams of peace, just simplicity.
I think deep down we all feel this way. I believe all we want is simplicity. The ability to live without having to stress about the most unnecessary things, all those things we think we can’t live without. The rub comes down to this.
What are you willing to do to get it?
Are you willing to live simply?
To give up all of those things you think you just can’t live without if it means you’d have that feeling of complete serenity?
Where is that place for you and are you willing to go there?
For me the answer is yes. Then again I have always been a simple person. Dialysis has taught me that life is not all it’s cracked up to be and neither are all those things we feel we can’t live without. It is surprising what we really “need” to live. If you were to really think on it you’d find it’s not much at all. I’ll even wager that if any of us were trapped in a paradise island like the one I dream of, few would refuse to stay. Most would give up the rat race and maybe even read a book.
Sometimes I wonder. I really do. Has the world really forgotten what a wife looks like? A real wife. I have been looking at these so called house wives shows lately and it baffles the mind! Most of these women are not even wives. They’re flings, jump offs or best of all, baby mommas. They’re users, gossips, gold diggers but very few are wives in any sense of the word. Love and marriage have become have beens.
Most have never been married to the men they claim and those who have are now divorced. Still, putting that aside their behavior is ridiculous and deplorable so much so that I find it hard to believe that these women have any kind of education. There can be no way that an intelligent woman can behave this foolish knowing that they will be landing in a t.v. near you very soon. The way they go about their day from shopping to the bar to the restaurants is laughable because you never see them doing anything remotely family or wifely oriented. I don’t know about you but I have been a wife and that’s not it! Then again I’ve never been a circus act either and that is what those shows are.
Their lives are as plastic as their figures. Made by rubbermaid. What annoys me is that they persist to pretend that their lives are so difficult. It must be so hard to leave your children in someone else’s care and go to the spa to get liquored up and discuss your so-called buddies in the vilest of manners. They continuously move around the world belittling other women and using the word friendship as a punchline when they’re so far from being friends it hurts. They throw down like Floyd Mayweather and Manny Paquiao pulling weaves like chewing gum. I’m more of a friend to them and I don’t even know them. Still the world eats it up and the ratings escalate with the level of hate and sad actions they show toward each-other. Every week we get another “reality” show about so-called wives and their broken lives but made to believe that their fabulosity at its best. Give me a bowl of nails and glass please!
Yet, if you disagree with this portrayal of a “wife”, you are labeled a “hater” because in this warped world we, as women must all want to live ratchet, self loathing fake lives as long as we own a Hermes bag and go to eat with made by Rubbermaid friends.
As for me I was raised to value womanhood, my friends are precious and marriage is a union that should be taken seriously. Still I don’t blame these women for who they are and what they do. I don’t know them or who they are when the cameras go off. I just know that we as a society need a little change and I pray it comes some day soon. I hope that the value of marriage and friendship grows and that the dollar becomes less valuable than character.
I know what you’re all thinking….. GOOD LUCK!! Still I have hope. Let’s see how it goes.
Hello my friends I wanted to invite you all to my poetry page where I will be participating in NaPoWriMo http://simplypoeticme.com If you are participating as well please feel free to leave your link. I would love to read your work as well. The link for NaPoWriMo is also below if you want to participate.